My friend Omega did it to me again. I don't know that she did it on purpose, but I'll never know for sure that she didn't. She's very, very good, good the way only someone who feels as much as they think can be good at the art of saying exactly the right thing at the right time to open the appropriate door, the unmarked unremarkable door there half way to the end of a dark hallway of identical doors. What did she say? She said "you didn't have a clue babe, you had no clue at all." Most generally that phrase is used as a put down, more than a bit condescending leaning towards intimidating. It stung in my ears because she was right, I didn't have a clue. And I'm having trouble forgiving myself a functional ignorance that very likely put me guilty of mishandling the events of my life to the detriment of everyone including myself, that in point of fact put sins on my soul that otherwise would not be there.
There are risks to introspection, to retrospective self judgment, and I'm standing square in the middle of one of the largest of those risks: the tendency to judge one's actions of the then by the expanded knowledge of the now. As memory presents it appears both my mother and my wife were deeply contaminated by entanglement with the bdsm mentality... a defining attitude towards life and love kept absolutely secret from me, an act my heart still feels as a totally malicious lie of omission. I'd heard of such things of course, in a grocery store marketing sort of way, seen their porn (and went sheeeeit... those are some totally sick puppies, someone should bust a cap and put 'em out of everyone's misery), but as to the hints of the underlying pathology such people present in their day to day lives? No. No clue. Probably the most damning fact of my life.
The questions before me now are my own actions in those days, how to judge the ethical status of my deeds. How much should a man ask and expect of himself when dealing with those secretly motivated by a perverted form of thought? How much responsibility for the consequences of their responses should a man accept onto himself? At what point should ignorance be disallowed as a justified defense? Perhaps the better question is it even possible to make such a judgment call working from forensic evidence?
It is a troublesome thing for me, now that I'm maneuvering to re-insert myself back into the circles called society. One thing the last six months has brought crystal clear is my degree of ignorance concerning the inner make up of the residents of some of the more heavily spiced orbits I might wander into. If my heart has one more go in it there's only one more, and I damn sure don't want to lose my last chance for love untainted. How to acquire true boots on the ground tactical intel is gaining importance as an overriding priority, because if there is one thing I absolutely don't want it is to be deceived again.
1. Whether you "should have known" is something only you can answer. Were there enough clues that, on looking back, you should have been alerted? What damage did your mother and wife actually do to you? (Don't answer that here unless you're comfortable doing so in this supposedly safe space.)
ReplyDelete2. "A little learning is a dangerous thing.
Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring."
I feel that we must know this thing deeply. But do not get your knowledge, as Saruman did, from those who made up and practice these things. Gandalf had probably as much knowledge of the Ring as Saruman--but his knowledge was all hard-won by his own efforts, and was not gained by compromising his integrity.
And it would seem that you, in your studies of BDSM, can learn as much or more from what its practitioners don't say, and how they act, as from what they do say. You know: "What you do speaks so loudly I can't hear what you say."
Need I say that I wish you well in this thing?
Jochanaan, your counsel is always appreciated.
DeleteTo answer in order: yes, in the case of my wife I was alerted, but mistook the symptoms for the driving cause, I made the mistake of thinking the perversions were a NEW thing in her thought brought on by some accidental exposure to their porn, and of course by contesting the symptoms as if they were a new thing drove what was most likely a very old thing into full hiding... Omega nailed me solid to the floor a few minutes after the quote in this post by saying "you know she might have been trying to ask you to help her heal..." In the case of my mother I truly had no clue, not for years. It was only after I actually got to know a few folks from that realm that I realized what a perfect fit she was to their public personas, what a perfect fit her parenting style was to a master/slave relationship rather than true nurture. Omega is not the only one from the local "community" I've had the chance to speak with, she's introduced me to several of varying taste and prominence, from the defacto social director for the region to veteran practitioners to peripheral folk. I'm doing my own leg work, believe me.
The damage done? In essence the damage suffered from the wife was give or take fifteen years lived in the shadow of deformed, dysfunctional and unwholesome psychology, particularly in matters of intimacy and sexuality, that were laid at my feet as if I were the driving cause and villain rather than a confused victim. That and a mother so frigid ice wouldn't melt on her skin with an agenda drawn from, and dedicated to, serving a cult as spoken of in 'with bitterness in my heart…" a few posts back.
I am learning this thing at depth, to accomplish my ultimate objective I must. Believe you me, the knowledge is held triple quarantined with 10 fold overkill built into the self destructs should it ever try and escape the quarantine. It might surprise you to learn you have a major say in triggering those mechanisms.
Omega is well ranked among her kind, capable of assuming either role (although she says, and I believe her, that a) no one in the local community has ever seen her in dom mode, and b) that she really doesn't like the role of dom/sadist, preferring to endure rather than inflict... she is in her essence gentle hearted). To my request she will at times wear, put on, her dom side, the sadistic side to allow me to see the subtle differences. It's nucking futs Jochanaan, the very frequency reflected from her eyes will change when she does. Nothing else will change overtly, perhaps a minor shift in word choices, but her eyes do. It was a heartbreaking thing for me when I learned to see the change... I saw my mother's eyes do the same thing so many, many times. A sadist? A sadist will have a gunmetal glint to their eyes until they're satiated and then have softest eyes of all. Once upon a time I thought soft eyes most likely meant a soft and gentle heart, but not anymore. That one piece of intel probably tripled my chances of survival on the field of battle.
I consider everything, what is said and what is not said, I study expression and gesture and nuance as I would sitting a high stakes poker game, and I look with particular focus at the lives I know to be on the periphery of the community, those who are not themselves participants but are for one reason or another emotionally bound to those who are. What happens in the community is bizarre and at times brutal, but still it is for the most part controlled and regulated by tradition, it has to be to allow survival. But what happens to those locked on the periphery is truly heartbreaking. In all truth I got off easy, all things allowed for.
Cyranos, I honor highly your confidence, and am amazed at your declaration that I have such power in your life. That's a God thing, and I give you my word never to misuse it.
DeleteBut this thing is bigger than you or me. Given the current worldwide state of commercial pornography, sex slavery and human trafficking, it is a worldwide problem and sickness--maybe going back to that unfortunate incident in Eden. Your researches may well light a way out of this sickness into a place of relational healing for all in literal "bondage" to it.
May the One aid and protect you as you explore.