Smoke and Ashes

These are difficult days for me.  I'm about as depressed as I think I've ever been.  It's no great mystery as to why, that's easily seen.  Nor is it a frame of mind that looks like it will persist in perpetuity, it is shifting and drifting and occasionally absent.  But when it is present, when it returns, the things it is showing me are so strange to deal with.

Sleep is now a very fragmented thing, all normal rythms off line, perhaps one day in four or five a full double rem cycle somewhere on the face of the clock.  Ok, survivable, I don't have many things to do that require I be somewhere at some particular time.  But sleep is more than just rest for the body, it is rest for the mind as well.  Sleep is the domain of dreams, dreams the outtakes of the mind maintenance going on beneath the surface.  I'm doing some heavy mind maintenance, no doubt of that, and the dreams associated are hallucination grade strange. 

As a matter of fact they are more than hallucination grade strange because for the most part the symbols and settings, the actions and the words that are in them are full understood even as they're happening.  A side bar consequence of having practiced lucid dreaming in the past, I'm pretty well familiar with how my sub-c likes to communicate.  It's a bit of a conundrum though since defending yourself, maintaining mastery of yourself in a dream means you're only partially asleep and it sends these echo-like little loops floating off to reappear later: you dream a thing, respond to the dream, and then later because you remember the dream you dream the consequences of the response.  Very strange.  And no, I'm not drinking and no, I'm not doing any form of drug illegal or otherwise.  I'm just riding with it, and waiting. 

This thing will run it's course and be gone when the reformatting work is complete.  I thought that thought and a song jumped into my head.  I'd like to share that song with you, it probably says it better than any words of mine.